we get Rob's results from the parole hearing tomorrow.

I have no hopes because I can't bare to be let down AGAIN.

We need a miracle.

UGH.

Went to PA with Jason and had an amazing time. I started to fall for him a little more I think. Despite the fact that he still wasnt being touchy feely enough for me. At one point I touched his chest and he told me to GET OFF OF HIM. He suffers from sex-somnia or something and sometimes he'll look for sex in his sleep. That was the only time we did it. I called him Rob during it and was really worried about what was going to happen the morning after. But he didn't even remember having sex with me. Wonderful. Then when I wanted to do it the next night...we got into a fight. Because he didn't want to and he said "sorry, I'm not some little boy who is horny all the time". Sorry, but you are a faggot. I even brought a sexy little black dress to wear for him that got absolutely no use. I'm really used to Rob wanting me ALL OF THE TIME. . . and I like that. . . I know sex isn't everything but being wanted physically makes a girl feel pretty good-looking. . . plus it's fun. Who turns down sex? I don't get it. Well, now I do...considering...

We broke it off yesterday. I started it. I shouldn't have because I wasn't ready. But I don't think I would have ever been ready. He told me he still was upset about his break up (that was 6 months ago) and that he couldn't be giving himself to someone and needed to work on himself. And that he didn't think he was ready for a relationship of ANY KIND. Guess that rules me out. I asked him how much he thinks about her when he's with me and he didn't answer. He said there are a lot of things that he could say that would hurt me so he chose not to. I guess that means he thinks about her a lot. I wanted it to end so why does it hurt so much? Maybe, I wasn't expecting being the one who was getting "broken up with". I mean, I did REALLY like him but I knew he was no good for me and that it wouldn't work in the long run. I even made a list of 10 things I don't like about him. Haha 10 Things I Hate About You-

1. told me to get off of him when i would get too affectionate
2. not over ex girlfriend
3. only wanted to do what he wanted to do
4. made me feel fat and ugly
5. called me annoying (My PET PEAVE)
6. sloppy
7. momma's boy
8. moody
9. drinks too much
10. thinks he knows it all

But you think I would be extremely happy that now I can focus on Rob and where we are going. But my heart hurts and I can't stop crying... I guess it's normal when you spend 4 months spending time with and talking constantly to someone. I need to get over it and keep myself busy. I start work next week. I want to think about how much I love Rob but I CANT. Even though we talked yesterday and he made me laugh and smile =) I just need time... time heals all wounds... unless it's a wound from Rob because that boy has some hold on my heart.

so me and robby have been trying to clean up the mess we made. he and i have a plan to just deny everything and say that we were in the room but nothing happened. any pictures that were taken were deleted because robby saw it with his own eyes and he has a lot of shit on the guy who took them.

jason is excited for the wedding and i'm excited that he'll be there. he's been saying how much he likes me and how special i am to him... but I still can't get rob out of my head. I sent him a card for his birthday and DJ said that if he talks to him he's going to put in a good word for me. I'm so confused. All I did all day was look for songs that either remind me of him, or have to do with our situation (if I choose to be in it). Can I be an inmate's girlfriend for another two years? I don't know. I want him, but I'm going to need some serious support to keep me on track.

me and you - kenny chesney
whatever it is - zac brown band
should've known better - monica
flaws & all - beyonce
wait for you - nelly furtado
wait for me - theory of a deadman
better than me - hinder
need you bad - jazmine sullivan
far away- nickelback
here without you- 3 doors down
when you're gone - avril lavigne
remember when - alan jackson
come home soon- shedaisy
broken - seether
Picture- Sheryl Crow ft. Kid Rock
When You're Gone - Cranberries
Already There - Lonestar
Nothing - Brandy
my immortal - evanescence
It's Your Love- Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
I loVe you - faith evans
I want you back - kt tunstall